University Roommates (Restart)

Ashton:

My heart beat faster. It was almost time to go and that terrified me. “I wish I could have met you before I messed everything up. I wish we could have worked together… I hope you can recover from this. You can’t know how deeply I regret the way this has all gone.”

I took a step away from her bed. Ideally, I would have told her I loved her. I would heave held her. Kissed her. But that would be unfair to her. It would be unfair to us both.

Emily:
I turned my head to the hospital wall and openly sobbed as he gave a speech that I knew meant goodbye.

"Just go," I said, through the tears. It felt like my heart was breaking in two. The pain that I had in my body from the kidnapping had nothing on what I felt right now.

Ashton:

I walked out of her room feeling numb. I was leaving everything that made me happy behind. Everything that made me feel like a person. I checked out when my mom took me to the police station. I withdrew into my mind.

I told them what happened, starting with the beginning. My mom called a lawyer, but he didn’t arrive until after I had given my full statement on the matter. They would talk to Emily too. That was unavoidable. But I had taken the blame for everything, even if I hadn’t pulled the trigger.

It was oddly freeing to confess my crimes. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I was dead, but I wasn’t trapped. Even though I would be going to prison, I didn't have to lie anymore.

Emily:
I cried harder when he walked out the door. So hard, that a nurse had to come in and give me something to calm me down. I couldn't cry like that with my rib injuries.

I had never felt more alone in my entire life. I just wanted to go back to the apartment and crawl into bed with Ash and pretend all of this never happened. I wanted something I couldn't have.

I rolled onto my side and wrapped my arms around myself and shut my eyes, glad for the drugs to knock me out.

Tasha:

By the time I got back to the states, Ash had already been arrested. I couldn’t talk to him, only the lawyer our parents had hired had that privilege. I had been crying for a solid day. I felt like it was my fault. I knew he had secrets, but I hadn’t pressed him about it. Maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently. I could have helped him.

And then there was the matter of Emily. My best friend. She could have been killed that night. I was guilty about that too. I went to see her at the hospital only a couple hours after I landed in the airport.

Emily:
I sat up on my bed, feeling numb. I had for days. The only times I felt anything at all was when a nurse occasionally came in to take my blood and stabbed me with a needle. Other than that, I spend my days staring out the window, feeling nothing.

I looked up with I heard a noise at the door and gasped when I saw Tasha. I felt like I hadnt seen her in years. "Oh Tasha..."I whispered, holding my hand out and gesturing her inside.

Tasha:

I went to her and leaned in to give a a careful hug. I meant to be quick but as soon as I touched her I started to tremble. Fresh tears slipped sown my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know how bad it was. I didn’t know how much you were involved with each other,” I managed to get out, broken up with little gasps. I hugged her, trying not to squeeze too tightly or injure her.

Emily:
I pulled her closer to me when she leaned down for a hug and held her and as tight as I could. It scared me a little bit how weakly I was able to hold her, but I suppose thats what was to be expected when you dont eat.

"No, I'm sorry." I told her, starting to cry with her. "I don't know how all this happened. I love him so much," I told her, thankful more than ever to have my best friend back.

Tasha"

I didn’t let go of her for several minutes. When I did at last I only pulled away slightly to look her in the face. “I know you do. I know he loves you too.” My heart ached for both of them. If there was something I could have done in that moment, I would have. But I was helpless. Ash was lost. At least Emily was out of danger now, if still in the hospital. “I’m so sorry, Em. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. If I had been… Maybe things wouldn’t have turned out like this.”

Julie:
"There has to be something we can do. He gave up Tasha. I've ever seen him look that that before." I told her. "Its not your fault. I'm the one who called him. He left and I called him to come back..." I started crying again and shook my head, unable to speak.

Tasha:

“I don’t think there is anything we can do now, sweetie,” I said and held her again. I stayed with her for hours, listening to her tell me her story. How it all happened. And then I talked about Ash.

I told her how he had been growing up. He was a sensitive child. Always wanting the approval of others. Our father was harsh with him. He never hit him, but he wasn’t kind. It drove Ash away. He made the wrong friends and was too eager to do whatever he could to fit in. his relationship with our parents made him move out early, to live in a trailer behind his friend’s house. They were bad influences.

I was too young at the time to know what to do. By the time I could help him, when he got out of rehab, it was too late. I wish he had told me the extent of the trouble he was in. I just thought it was drugs. I thought I could help him stay clean. And then I had abandoned him…

Emily:
I listened to her story, soaking up the words about Ash like a greedy sponge. I cried until no more tears would come and gripped her hand like a lifeline.

"I thought he was happy for a while. He had a job, he smiled, he teased me... I thought things we're gonna be okay." I said. "And then suddenly it wasn't okay anymore," I shook my head and stared at the bed sheets blankly.

"What's gonna happen to him?" I asked.

Tasha:

I chewed my chapped lips. “I don’t know,” I said. I sat in a chair now, gripping her hand in mine. “It’s too soon to say. I guess he’ll have to go through a trial. I’m not sure how it all works.” Some how my eyes still teared up even after all the crying. “But we need to take care of you now. Ash would want you to be looked after. He would want you to be happy.”

Emily:
"I don't even know how to do that anymore," I told her honestly. "I keep getting yelled at by the nurses cause I wont eat, but I feel nauseous just thinking about what happened." I said, my lower lip trembling. "And food doesn't taste like anything. I open the window and I know there's a garden, but its all grey and meaningless now." I told her.

"I want it to be a nightmare. I want to wake up and burn pancakes that he wont eat. I want to feel something."

Tasha:

It hurt more to see Emily like this than it did to lose Ash. He had been lost to me for years. It was something I had already dealt with. But Emily was not like this. She had bad times like the rest of us, but never had she been so broken.

I squeezed her hand. “I know, but sweetie you’ve got to eat. You’ve got to take care of yourself,” I said, brows knit together in concern. “How about, if you eat your meals, when you get out I’ll make you my famous chocolate chip cookies?”

Emily:
It took just over a week for the doctors to let me go home. I still had broken ribs that needed healing, but the bruises were starting to fade. At least the visible ones.

And I had lost weight. A lot of weight. I had tried to eat after Tasha came back, but everything that went down, ended up coming up again. Only in the last few days had I been able to keep down crackers and juice.

On the drive back to the apartment, I dreaded opening the door, seeing all his things, the space we spent all our time. I couldn't NOT go back though. Maybe it would help me feel closer to him.

Tasha:

Before I took Emily home, I had gone back to clean the house. The police had been in there as well, it was a crime scene after all. I packed up Ash’s things that they hadn’t taken. I cleaned everything else and prepared it for us to move out. The only things I had left untouched were in Emily’s room. We would be moving of course.

When we pulled into the driveway I turned to face her. “Are you ready?” I asked. I had devoted all of my time to looking after her. Ash’s fate was out of my hands, but I could still save Emily.

Emily:
I sighed and gave myself a moment before nodding. "I'm ready," I told her, opening the door. I stepped out, hesitantly, still a little weak from staying in bed for so long and started up the stairs. I didnt have the keys so I waited for Tasha at the door. My hands started to shake.

Tasha:

I hurried along behind her and unlocked the door. I opened it and let her in first. I wanted to give her time to look around and gauge her feelings before I told her my idea. We would be moving, but before we started looking for a new place I wanted to give her another option.

Emily:
I stepped inside and paused only a few steps in. I could tell right away that things were missing. The smell was all wrong. I went first to Ashs room and it was empty. Completely bare. All his things were gone. I put a hand to my mouth as my eyes filled with tears and turned to look at Tasha. "Whats going on?" I asked her.

Tasha:

I hesitated. Maybe it had been a mistake to clean out his room. But the police had gone through most of it anyway. Surly that would have been worse for her to have seen it messed up like that.

“I packed up his things. I… I packed up a few other things as well. I don’t think we should stay here. Not with everything that has happened,” I explained to her. My throat felt tight.

Emily:
I turned back around to his room with tears streaming down my face. I sat down on his stripped bed and ran my fingers over the mattress. "You're right...it's too hard." I said. As bad as it hurt to see the room empty, it would have hurt even more to see it filled with everything but him.

"But where are we gonna go?" I asked, looking up again.

Tasha:

“Well, I was thinking you could come back to Belize with me,” I said, watching for her reaction. “I’ve already talked with my program director and they said they would be willing to sponsor you. All you would have to do would be to come up with a curriculum to teach to kids. Or you could do something else if you didn’t want to teach. There’s so much to do.” I sat down on the mattress with her and grabbed her hand. “I would be with you.”

Emily:
My immediate thought was that it could never work. I had a job here, I had a life here....Ash was here. But that faded into the thought of reading my books to children, teaching them how to write, illustrate their own children's books... and distance.

I squeezed her hand and looked around the room. "It's really scary...but It's a good idea," I tried to smile through the tears.

Tasha:

“Really?” Hope sparked in me. “You don’t have to decide right now. There’s time to think about it. I don’t want to pressure you. I just think it would be really, really good for you. It’s incredible there,” I said. Already my mind was running away with the idea of it.